23/09/2021

 Adjusting to a new life | So familiar yet so foreign

It has been a week since I arrived in London after an eighteen months break. Time sure does pass by quickly. So many life changing things have happened within the span of one and a half year, they almost feel unreal. For the past one and a half year, I have remained quite stagnant. There was no significant personal development I made, I was mainly just lazing around with the thought - I will kick the restart button when I am back in London, I will set goals and become a better version of myself. And here I am, restarting my subpar writing quest. 

I am definitely not great at writing but I am worse at speaking. Over the years, writing became a stress relieving outlet for me to pent out sad, angry, sometimes happy thoughts. Mostly sad and angry unfortunately due to my negative nature. Perhaps, it's time to change for the better, or not. Today, I am in the mood to recount about what happened in the past eighteen months to reorient myself a little.

So last year, actually exactly one year ago, my grandpa collapsed in the bathroom. He suffered from an aneurysm, which in layman terms means the bursting of a blood vessel in his brain. He was hospitalized for seventeen days before he eventually left us. It was a painful time for the family. I remember me and my father visiting him at the hospital everyday. I remember seeing him lie in bed, almost motionless. That ventilator pumping air into him, it was my only source of assurance that he was alive. At least he was breathing, albeit being on life support. At least, I could still feel the warmth of his body, even though it was probably from the fever he had due to his infection. I was desperately clinging on to anything I could so that I could remain sane for the sake of my family. 

This was the incident that made me realize that it was time for me to grow up, that it was time for me to take care of the family, make difficult decisions and be strong. My father who I used to think was invincible, had trouble understanding the doctor's explanation regarding my grandpa's condition. I had to do it and also deal with the unbearable, repetitive talks with the hospital about taking my grandpa off life support. 

The morning of the day he left us, the hospital called us to say that my grandpa was in a very critical condition and that he may leave us anytime. We rushed down to the hospital. By the time we arrived, his condition had stabilized and a doctor told us that he can probably hold on for a few more days. We were relieved. I told the rest of the family that I would stay to watch over him so that they could go home and rest. My friend joined me in the early afternoon to provide me with some company. When she arrived, my grandpa was in a critical condition again. His pulse dropped to zero for a few seconds before it went back up again. I called my family and they were on their way over to the hospital. Sadly, my grandpa passed on before they arrived. As he was on DNR, no one came in to save him when I was screaming hysterically for help. They just looked on as I broke down. I begged for my grandpa to hold on until my family arrived, I grabbed on to his wrist tightly to feel for a pulse because I did not trust that machine. And I felt his struggle to stay, and the inescapable clutch of death. My body went numb, I clung on to his hand and I felt as the heat slowly leave his body. Some people say that hearing is the last to go when someone is dying so I went to his ears. I told him how much I love him, and to rest assure that I will take care of the family - the most important thing to him. 

That was the first time I experienced death so close to me, so raw, so inevitable. It took away from me one of the most important person in my life -  my dearest grandpa who was also my father and my friend at the same time. I will never forget my last memory of him before he collapsed - he was holding a mop in is hand, looking at me with his head cocked to one side, saying a silent "welcome home". I will never forget the times when he would fetch me home from school. We would both get an ice cream each from the ice cream vendor outside the school gates and walk back in silence, a comfortable one. I will never forget the times when we played badminton, where he would always show me weird and funny tricks. I will never forget the times when he brought me and my sister to the library during school holidays. He would be sitting with some newspapers in his hands. When he would fall asleep and snore, the librarian would wake him up. Me and my sister would then giggle and laugh at him as we proceeded on with our book searching adventures.

My grandpa loved me very much. He had a deteriorating memory and would often forget what day it was, or what year we were in even. But he knew that I would return home from my dorm on Fridays and he would always ask my sister if it was Friday yet. And when he knew that I was returning to London, he took out his savings, folded the bills like he usually would, and gave them to me in a red packet, twice. Twice because he forgot that he gave me the first time. I was always on his mind, be it when he was mentally conscious or not. He was my grandpa but also so much more. He was a great man - a wonderful husband, a doting father, a loving grandfather and a simple and kind person.

Yeye, I miss you so much. I don't know for sure if an afterlife exist but if it does, I will hug you and tell you how much I love you when we meet again. I will take care of the family because I know it's what you value the most. I will take care of grandma within my means because I know she is the person you are most worried about. Lastly, I will take care of myself and become someone you can be proud of because I know that this is what you want for me. Till then, please watch over us.